What anxiety can look like in neurodivergent young adults – and why the behaviour we notice isn't always the whole story.

We tend to think we know what anxiety looks like. Someone looks worried. They tell us they're nervous. Perhaps they're shaking, avoiding eye contact or having a panic attack.

But what about the young person who says “OK” to everything? The employee who apologises repeatedly? The student who suddenly can't answer a question they knew the answer to yesterday?

What about someone who talks constantly, keeps their coat on indoors, becomes angry, leaves without explanation or says “I don't know” when you ask what is wrong?

Anxiety doesn't always look anxious.

What are we actually seeing?

When someone feels threatened or overwhelmed, their response might look like fight, flight, freeze or fawn. These are useful ways of describing patterns of response, not boxes we should put people into.

Fight might look like arguing, frustration or an angry response. Flight might look like leaving, avoiding a situation or keeping busy to escape it. Freeze might look like silence, indecision, shutting down or finding it difficult to speak. Fawn might look like agreeing, apologising or telling someone what they think that person wants to hear.

None of these behaviours tells us, on its own, exactly what somebody is feeling. And not every behaviour is caused by anxiety. But they are a good reason to get curious rather than jump to conclusions.

“But they said they were fine”

One of the most important lessons for mentors, parents and managers is that a response is not always a reliable measure of how someone is coping.

A young adult might say “I'm fine” because they don't have the words to explain what is happening. They might need more time to process the question. They might be worried about disappointing you, or simply be concentrating all their energy on getting through the moment.

Sometimes the person who appears to be coping brilliantly in public is using an enormous amount of energy to do so. The impact may not show until they get home.

Instead of asking “Are you OK?” again and again, it may help to agree a different way of communicating before things become difficult: a number from one to ten, a text, a hand signal or a simple choice between “carry on”, “pause” and “leave”.

Look underneath the behaviour

For neurodivergent people, anxiety may be connected to very real difficulties in an environment or situation. That might include sensory overload, unclear communication, unexpected change, social demands, executive-function demands or physical discomfort.

Imagine a young person who refuses to attend a busy careers event. We could label that as avoidance. Or we could ask what the event actually involves: noise, unfamiliar people, uncertainty about what to say, queues, travel and a room with no obvious quiet space.

Once we understand what is difficult, we have something practical to work with. Could they visit the venue beforehand? See photographs? Know who will meet them? Attend for a shorter time? Have a quieter arrival? Or access the same opportunity in another way?

The question isn't simply “How do we get them to do it?” It's “What is making this difficult, and what can we change?”

What should you do in the moment?

When someone is overwhelmed, that may be the worst time to ask them to explain their feelings, make decisions or learn a new coping strategy. Lots of well-meant questions can add to the pressure.

Try this instead:

• Use fewer words and give the person time to respond.

• Reduce demands and, where possible, move away from noise, crowds or other pressures.

• Offer one manageable next step rather than several decisions.

• Use the communication method you've already agreed.

• Respect their space; don't assume touch or breathing exercises will help.

• Reflect on what happened later, when the person has had time to recover.

If there is an immediate risk to anyone's safety, safeguarding and emergency procedures take priority. Everyday mentoring support is not a substitute for mental health assessment or treatment.

Small steps – but whose goal?

In our mentoring work, we sometimes use a simple idea: Comfort – Stretch – Panic. It helps people identify what feels familiar, what might be a manageable challenge and what currently feels overwhelming.

The important word here is manageable. A small step might be looking at a photograph of a venue, travelling past it, visiting when it is quiet or meeting one person there. It doesn't have to mean walking straight into the busiest room and hoping for the best.

And there is another important distinction. Not everything uncomfortable needs to be endured. If a setting is inaccessible, the answer may be to change the setting, provide an adjustment or find a different route. Progress should be connected to something the person wants or needs, not somebody else's idea of what they ought to tolerate.

Three questions worth asking

If you're supporting a young adult who experiences anxiety, start with these:

1. What do you notice happens for you when things become difficult?
There may be physical signs, changes in speech or behaviour, or things that aren't visible at all.

2. What would you like me to do – and not do?
Don't assume reassurance, questions, physical contact or encouragement will be welcome.

3. How will you tell me if you need to pause or leave?
Agree a simple method before you need it.

Understanding comes before strategies

It's tempting to reach immediately for a list of anxiety-management techniques. Some may be helpful. But first we need to understand the person, the situation and what is actually happening.

That means listening without demanding an instant explanation, noticing patterns without making assumptions and recognising that an adjustment can be just as important as a coping strategy.

For mentors, employers, educators and parents, that shift can change the whole conversation. Instead of seeing someone as difficult, unmotivated or unwilling, we can start asking what support would make participation possible.

And for the young adult themselves, it can be the beginning of having more choice, more understanding and a clearer way to say what they need.

If you would like to know more about our Mentoring services at Inclusive Change, visit https://inclusivechange.co.uk/mentoring or download our mentoring propectus